What we do NOT do when trying to heal a child can be as important as what we do. Though we have love in our hearts and good intentions, we sometimes inadvertently do things that can make things worse, not better. Here are 3 things that you do NOT want to do when trying to heal a child:
1. You do not want to get pulled in. I think of that space that a struggling child is in as a trauma vortex that can easily pull us into its center if we are not careful. When we get pulled in, we become emotional, reactive, and out of control, and that is often when we make bad decisions, like threaten something we can’t really follow through on (nor do we really want to.) In my previous blog, I explained the 3 most important things to do first when trying to heal a child: feel your feet on the ground, breathe deeply in through your nose filling your belly up with air, and notice your separateness from the child and the vortex. This is how you can hold a safe space for that child to come back to.
2. You do not want to talk much at all. When a child is struggling, the part of the brain that is most active is the part we share with animals that doesn’t speak the language of words. Their more rational, language-based brain becomes hijacked. When we talk “at” a child who doesn’t have the capacity in that moment to process our words, the child becomes more agitated and agony is unnecessarily prolonged. Challenge yourself to be still. Ground yourself, breathe, and hold a safe, compassionate place for the child to come back to. You’ll be surprised how quickly this happens when we don’t agitate the animal brain with our words.
3. You don’t want to encourage a “safe” expression of violence, like punching a pillow, kicking the wall, or pounding a punching bag. Anytime we engage in a behavior, we create neural connections for that behavior in our brain. When children are encouraged to take their aggression out on inanimate objects, neural connections for aggression get stronger the more the behavior occurs. When neural connections get stronger, the behavior becomes more automatic. Rather, replace the violent behavior with a healthier outlet like running, jumping, or pushing hands until the energy is all used up.
Talk to you on the call today at 3 p.m.!
There are 3 important first steps for YOU to take when trying to heal a child:
1. Feel your feet on the ground. You may think I’m kidding. I’m not. The first step to take any time a child is in front of you struggling as they may be, triggering you as they may do, is to stand firmly on the ground and feel it. Feel yourself connected to the floor, to the ground, to the earth, and just watch what happens next…
2. Breathe. When you feel your feet on the ground and really notice your connection to the earth beneath you, you will breathe… deeply. When you breathe, be sure to breathe in through your nose and fill your belly up with air. We know from important neuroscience that when we breathe in through the nose and fill the belly up with air, we powerfully stimulate what’s called the parasympathetic branch of the autonomic nervous system. When we do, a deeply calming response is ushered in us, and from that state, healing is possible.
3. Notice. Simply begin to notice, without criticism of yourself or the child, notice how separate the two of you actually are. You are not this little person in front of you. He or she is not you. Notice with compassion how he or she is struggling in his or her own skin, and that sometimes there is very little we can do. In fact, many times, the less we do, and the more we simply let ourselves BE…the more we are grounded and breathing calmly, the less damage we do, and the quicker our child “finds their way back home.”
Please follow these steps and be the safe place the child in front of you wants to come back home to. Learn more in my upcoming teleseminar Thursday, April 29th. Talk to you then!
After years and years of educating and promoting natural and scientifically supported strategies to heal our children, I am so excited to announce the launch of HelpingKidsCircle.com, which is an integral membership-based community for parents and teachers that provides effective, innovative, and scientifically supported strategies and resources with one common goal—helping all children achieve optimum learning, while enhancing their adaptive, prosocial behavior and success.
Below is the press release that was distributed today. Take a look and pass it along to any concerned parent and teacher who needs this vital support for a loved one. Additionally, next week, I will be hosting a ground-breaking free teleclass to discuss 5 Ways You Can Heal Your Child Now! Please spread the word about this too-important-to-miss call! Parents and teachers this is truly too important to miss!
Launch of New Online Community Provides an Innovative Learning Resource for Parents and Teachers
| School and Clinical Psychologist announces HelpingKidsCircle.com, a community dedicated to enhance learning and achievement among children.
PR Log (Press Release) – Apr 22, 2010 – (Long Beach, CA) – April 22, 2010 – HelpingKidsCircle.com announces the official launch of their program, dedicated to helping children overcome stress and trauma, while promoting learning and achievement without limits or medication. Founded by a school and clinical psychologist, the website will officially open to parents and teachers on April 29, 2010. Founded by Dr. Regalena ‘Reggie’ Melrose, a licensed clinical psychologist and credentialed school psychologist, the online community provides memberships for teachers and parents. Continue reading here… |
WAKE UP PARENTS!!! — Your Child is Stressed!
5 Ways You Can Heal Your Child
Dear Concerned Parent and/or Guardian,
On April 29th at 3pm PST/6pm EST, I will be hosting an important, ground-breaking teleclass that will give parents 5 powerful ways to heal their child. If you are a parent of a misdiagnosed, stressed, traumatized, or otherwise misunderstood child, you need to be on this important call as I reveal 5 important approaches that have saved many of the families and children I have worked with. It is my dream that every family has access to this important information. Our children deserve it!
Please put in your name and email below, and I will promptly email you the teleclass details. Thank you!
- Dr. Reggie Melrose
A concerned father contacted me recently for advice regarding his son diagnosed with ODD. From the details of the situation it was clear once again that what the neuroscience has to say on the subject is most important to understanding how to intervene (read the work of Bruce Perry, M.D., Ph.D. for more). The brain, as well as the behavior the brain mediates, develops in response to experience. That means that how we, as parents and educators, interact with children is what makes the difference. Adults are the ones with fully developed brains who are better equipped neurally to do things differently. If we can be that safe base for our children by not getting pulled into what some call the “trauma vortex” of the problem, then situations deescalate and the development of negative neural circuitry is prevented.
Based on Dr. Perry’s work and other neuroscientists who study the developing brain, we need to reconsider the diagnosis of ODD. We too often pathologize our children for having natural responses to the confusing, stressful, sometimes terrifying events of their lives. The behaviors associated with ODD, although extremely challenging at times, are simply revealing a physiological state, one that is the natural result of particular kinds of experiences. According to Dr. Perry, the physiological state of children and adolescents with so-called ODD is a freeze response. When any one of us feels threatened or terrified by something, we instinctively go into fight, flight, or freeze. For many children, because they are so dependent and vulnerable, a freeze response is often the choice their brain makes at such a time, building neural connections for that freeze to become a more likely response any time the child feels stressed or scared in the future.
We don’t yet appreciate how pressured, stressed, scared, even terrified many of our children and adolescents feel in today’s world. We don’t yet know how the experience of these feelings changes the brain and nervous system. Once we do, however, I know we will reconsider every diagnosis we make of children and adolescents, not just ODD, but ADHD, Bipolar, Depression, Anxiety Disorders, even Autism. Learn more about the effects of stress and trauma on the brain, learning, and behavior by reading “Why Students Underachieve: What Educators and Parents Can Do about It” and “You Can Heal Your Child: A Guide for Parents of Misdiagnosed, Stressed, Traumatized, and Otherwise Misunderstood Children.”
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