When things get as bad as they can with our children, many of us still hope we can drop them off at the therapist’s office and pick them up fixed. It doesn’t work that way. Here are some neuroscientific facts: Our children are only going to do well when they feel good, and they are only going to feel good when WE do. And I’m not talking about feeling good from the miniature “vacations” we take on a friday night. However we escape  – and believe me, I know how great it can feel at the time! – it is a brief bandaid that does nothing to transform our nervous system into feeling good in the long-term. We can feel good no matter what is going on around us or with our children, and when we do, they get better! Fast! You will begin to see changes in them immediately when you utilize very specific kinds of tools and resources for yourself.

STEP ONE: Learn what these tools and resources are. Here’s how: 1. Read my blogs. They’re free. Go into the archives. There are many that detail what to do and how to do it. If you haven’t signed up to receive notification of them yet. Please do by entering your name, email address, city, and state on my website’s homepage. 2. Watch my youtube videos. They’re free. And there are many! They are informative so that you can understand yourself and your children better. That is an intervention. When we understand better, we have more compassion (for ourselves and them), and compassion is a huge part of the cure. 3. Read my articles at ezine.com. They’re free. 4. Start with reading You Can Heal Your Child (available at my website). It’s only 15 dollars and is full of what you can be doing differently to help your children feel better. 5. Use my activities book with your children and do it right along with them! It’s called Hope & Healing: An Activities Book for Adults Working with School-Aged Children (available at my website). It’s only 15 dollars and full of what you can all be doing to feel relief, comfort, and joy no matter what life is throwing at you. 6. COME TO ONE OF MY TALKS! I am giving a FREE parenting talk open to the public in Long Beach, CA on April 21st from 9:30 to 11:30 at my son’s school. No matter where you live in southern California, it will be so worth the drive to come and stock up on the tools and resources that will change your life and the life of your children, many of which are free. I will give you a powerful experience of one during the talk. Visit the “Events” page of drmelrose.com to see where else I will be speaking soon.

STEP TWO: Begin putting the tools and resources you learn about into practice a little bit each day. You don’t need a therapist or a lot of time to start transforming your nervous system in a way that will transform your children’s nervous system. You will ALL be feeling a greater state of ease if you, parents, start doing the work. Take five minutes at the beginning and end of each day – steal one-minute intervals throughout the day – to notice your feet on the ground, to breathe deeply in through your nose filling your belly with air, to take in the support that is right there with you that you are not paying attention to, to visualize the change you want to see or the place you want to be. If you don’t yet believe in the difference these tools can make, you have some catching up to do: on what we now know are the most powerful ways to change our lives and the well-being of our children – quickly. Start doing your work, parents, please! And start living your dream. It’s waiting for you.

1. Communities of people all over the country and beyond are putting their efforts into reducing and modifying homework loads so they actually increase achievement as opposed to decrease achievement, which is what is happening now. Learn more at www.racetonowhere.com and www.stopthehomework.com.

2. Others are gathering together to decrease and modify testing so that creative, beautiful teaching can still happen in a way that keeps both teachers and students interested, motivated, and engaged in the educational process. Learn more at www.saveourschoolsmarch.org and www.fairtest.org. I, myself, bought the domain name www.stopthetesting.org fully intending to start at the very least a petition to overturn No Child Left Behind. (Anyone want to take this on with me?)

3. Ten states – Colorado, Florida, Georgia, Indiana, Kentucky, Massachusetts, Minnesota, New Jersey, Oklahoma, and Tennessee – are free from No Child Left Behind. They are instead forging ahead in their development of more creative ways to measure what students are learning. A total of 28 other states are planning to flee the law in favor of their own plans. Pennsylvania, Texas, and California are NOT among them. What is up with that?!

4. Blogs like mine are giving parents and educators everywhere a chance to learn how we can be living, loving, and teaching differently so that more and more of our teachers and children are excited to go to school everyday, no matter what their age and stage of education. It is the greatest joy of my life to see my own son jump out of bed every morning because he can’t get to his Waldorf school fast enough (learn more at www.whywaldorfworks.org). Please visit and revisit my archive of blogs at www.drmelrose.com to be reminded of how important it is to slow things down, use fewer words, go more sensory, and have more fun! Recent neuroscience continues to prove how essential these choices are to the robustness of our brain so we can and will achieve anything and everything we want.

1. ACCEPT WHAT IS: In both my professional and personal life, I have noticed that most of us are waiting for a more ideal situation than the one we have. When we have more support, when we have more time, when we feel less overwhelmed, we will live, love and work better. As educators, for example, we too often wait for the system to change, for administration to be more supportive, or for parents to become more involved before we believe we can do our best work. However, as an educator myself, I find it much more empowering and productive – and I enjoy my work more! – when I wait for nothing. When I accept the reality that is in education today, and work within my own parameters BEING the change I want to see. The only thing stopping us from living, loving, and working better is our own self. We can decide that given the circumstances we are in, we will take care of ourselves better so we can give to others what we want them to experience from us. Sometimes this requires that we take a step back, breathe deeper, and re-commit to doing the things that contribute to our wellness. From that place, we will create the change we want to see without needing anything outside of us to change.

2. PRACTICE SELF-DISCIPLINE: This doesn’t sound like a fun tip, does it? I promise it can be! And the pay-off is huge. Right now, in response to our stress, and the powerlessness we feel over it, we are drinking too much, eating too much, shopping too much, or watching too much television. Whatever our coping mechanism – used to distract us from our uncomfortable feelings – there’s a better way. Coping, as I am sure you have noticed, is just a band-aid that does little to transform our experience, to reduce the effects of stress in a lasting way. Self-discipline comes into play when we begin to notice that we are feeling the physical discomfort of stress – a racy feeling, agitation, even anger – and in that moment of noticing we ask ourselves what healthy thing we could do instead. Sit in nature, be with an animal, take a bath, go for a walk, call a good friend (not a negative friend!), or take a nap. Practice noticing how you experience your feelings of discomfort, what it feels like in your body, what story or judgments your mind begins making, and gently guide yourself to a healthier response. Focusing on the good feelings that come from making that better choice is what the neuroscience tells us is key to ensuring that we will make it.

3. DO SOMETHING DIFFERENT: I never thought I would be able to meditate. Never! Sitting quietly for any length of time seemed an impossible task, and the last thing I like to do when stressed is give myself another impossible task! However, the losses I experienced in 2011 were so painful I became determined to create different and better results for myself. Sometimes what we have always done, though helpful, is not enough. For different results, something different is called for, and I knew from the neuroscience meditation was the best “new-for-me” tool I could try. I did not attempt to do this seemingly impossible task on my own (ask for help when you need it!). Rather I found a meditation group and dragged myself there, skeptical of my capacity but determined nonetheless. With the help provided me there, my life began to change quickly. New neural pathways in my brain were being forged and solidified – and continue to be – that allow me now to sit in stillness and hear my own voice and my own way, to block out the “noise” that we all hear around us feeding us ideas, beliefs, standards, and judgments that don’t fit for us or serve us well. Only in the quiet can we hear this “voice” and listen to it. The biggest different and better result I now have from meditation is peace. And when we have peace, and we are peace, we bring peace with us everywhere we go, including our classrooms full of students who need that probably more than anything else we could give them.

In a recent study reported in the Los Angeles Times, an important finding was made with HUGE implications for both education and parenting: When it comes to self-regulation and self-control, anticipating pride for good behavior helps us behave much better than anticipating shame for bad behavior. In fact, “the more we anticipate public humiliation and guilt, the worse we’re likely to do when it comes to self-control. If we focus on the pride that comes from good behavior, we make better choices, by far.” What we focus on matters. Neuroscientist Richard Davidson, for example, focuses not on fixing what is wrong with conditions like ADHD and Autism, but on revising our minds with life-enriching experiences. This is how we change the brain – in the desired direction!

2. PLAY MORE:

Neuroscientific inquiry has proven time and time again: Play is not trivial or elective. It is necessary to healthy brain development throughout the lifespan. According to a recent article in the New York Times, physically engaging play not only provides intense skill learning, it lessens the symptoms of attention deficit disorder, reduces childhood obesity, increases intellectual performance and helps children perform better academically in the long term. “Deprive a social mammal of its normal rough-and-tumble play and it enters adulthood emotionally fragile, unable to tell a friend from a foe, poor at handling stress, and lacking the skills to mate properly.” Furthermore, studies have found that young homicidal males and felony drunk drivers compared to a control group, lacked normal, developmentally appropriate rough-and-tumble play as children and pre-adolescents.

Play is essential to adults as well! According to the article, “play-deprived adults are often rigid, humorless, inflexible, and closed to trying new options. Playfulness enhances the capacity to innovate, adapt, and master changing circumstances. It is not just an escape. It can help us integrate and reconcile difficult or contradictory circumstances. And, often, it can show us a way out of problems.” Doesn’t this sound completely necessary for us right now? Both our parenting and our teaching – especially during this difficult economic time in our history – will be greatly enhanced by more play and playfulness. If we want our brain to be able to master the challenges we face, we need to have more healthy fun!

3. PLEASE…BE MORE SELECTIVE ABOUT TELEVISION VIEWING:

Recently reported in the New York Times, 4-year-olds who had just watched the fast-paced fantasy cartoon, “SpongeBob SquarePants” did worse on tests of attention and problem-solving than 4-year-olds who watched a slower-paced educational program or spent time drawing. This study follows many others that have arrived at similar conclusions: If we want our children’s brain to function optimally in school and otherwise, we must limit television viewing and be selective about what it is they see. Each and every experience our children have changes their brain, in a way we want it to be changed, or in a way we don’t.

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Getting In The Zone

And let’s be clear about what summer camps are all about now.  A recent New York Times article covered the new phenomenon in summer camps today, brought on by the demands of parents -I’m sorry -who have lost their mind. Regardless of the fact that throughout the school year children hardly get to play just for fun anymore, not with the never-ending demands of No Child Left Behind, they also have to perfect their skills while at summer camp. Whether the camp is academics- or sports-based, the trend today is to ensure that children become experts by the end of their stay. Parents want to see that for their money, their child became a better pitcher, swimmer, writer or mathematician.

This would all be fine if we weren’t so miserable. My friend, the father of the 5-year-old being drilled, made an enlightened statement during our visit. He said, “We are all just so disconnected.” Ah-ha! At least he gets that much. With the pressure we are experiencing from others and creating ourselves, we have turned into “stress-cases” that our children must navigate around. As a result, their developing brain and body grow up less able to regulate affect and behavior. For example, the 5-year-old being drilled at 8:30 p.m. had a nightmare that night. And the next day from summer camp, we got a phone call that she was complaining of a sore tummy. The whole time I visited she kept asking me if we could go back to sitting in the grass and playing, “I See, I Hear, I Sense” – one of the grounding exercises from my activities book, and when I had to leave, she clung to me like a monkey on a tree. We all know what we need, the littlest among us best, I think. Our children are telling us. Our bodies are telling us. When are we going to listen?

Instead of both listening and speaking up to end this meaningless rat race, we’re cheating! Parents are doing their children’s homework and teachers are helping their students cheat on state-wide testing. In Atlanta, yes, we all heard about that case, but another recent article in the New York Times reported that cheating on the state tests has happened in dozens of school districts across several states, and those are just the cases we know about. The many and growing symptoms of the disorder known as No Child Left Behind cannot be ignored, and they are all created by stress.

Teachers and parents alike, here are my 3 tips for getting your mind back, because if you do, I promise you will soon begin to love living again:

1. Pay attention! Please! STOP, LOOK, and LISTEN. My friends’ children were all exhibiting obvious signs of stress, and so were my friends! They rarely smiled, the whole lot of them, and I don’t think they had a clue. They were just going about their grind because that’s what you do. (Really?!) Please, begin to notice yourself: how your body feels, how you’re sleeping, what you’re eating, how what you’re eating, listening to, and surrounding yourself with are making you feel. Notice your children in the exact same way. Every choice you make for you and for them has an effect on stress levels, and too much stress is the culprit of all evils – every disorder, every disease.

2. Remember the golden rule: We only do well when we feel good. This is a basic neuroscientific fact. When stress is too high, our heart rate, blood pressure, and cortisol (stress hormone) levels increase. When they stay elevated for too long, they begin to interfere with our brain/body’s ability to regulate all functions, including sleep. We begin to have sleep disturbances, nightmares, sore tummies, migraines, and eventually, we lose our zest, our joy, and our love of being alive. Trust me, when that happens, skills do not get perfected, and test scores do not go up. Even if we are hanging in there for now, eventually, the piper will get paid. There is a cumulative effect of stress on the nervous system over time. If we want to live a long, happy life, and if we want our children to be able to stay the course with their education – a marathon, not a sprint – then we have to feel good and we have to want our children to feel good.

3. Do something different! When you see that your child is miserable being drilled, please stop. Just stop. Cuddle her up. Sing her a song. Play in a bubble bath. And lull her to sleep. I promise you, you will get much more of what you want from her OVER THE LONG TERM when she feels relief. Take action in so many ways you are not doing now. Speak up. Go to your schools, school districts, congress people, the White House! and demand that things be done a different way. Eliminate meaningless homework, or at least make it optional. (Another New York Times article recently covered this new trend and all its benefits.) Get inspired at one of my talks. My new fall schedule is now posted at my website under “Events.” I may soon be in a city near you. Join the movement through any number of fabulous websites, such as Save our Schools, The Race to Nowhere, or America’s Angel.

Resources for a new and better way abound. Please seek them out and take one small step of action. If we all do that we will soon see some evidence that we are getting our collective mind back, and that would be a good thing.

Now this may not be the way you define success. You may be like the many of my generation who defined success by material possessions, money in the bank, or celebrity status. About that I have to say this: Whatever enjoyment we experienced from these superficial measures of success was short-lived because of the mistakes we made driven by greed. In fact, some really good people are in jail right now, or rehab, even mental institutions, because of the mistaken way we defined success and the selfishness with which we pursued it.

People in jail or rehab are good people who have made mistakes. It simply isn’t true that there are people who are “all good” – who get it right all the time and therefore deserve all the rewards, just like it isn’t true that there are people who are “all bad” and therefore deserve to be locked away. This false good-bad split is what drives us to beat ourselves up every time we experience a failure. We say, “What’s wrong with me? Why can’t I get it right?” We take the short leap from making a mistake to believing we are bad.

Every time we make that leap, each time we beat ourselves up for our mistakes, we keep ourselves from the peace of mind, health, and well-being that we need not only for the marathon of education, but also for the marathon of life. If you want to not only get your education but also have a healthy relationship, be a great parent, and contribute to your community in a way you can be proud of, you will need to be gentle with yourself when you’re down, loving, and forgiving. Believe me: you’ll get up a lot quicker that way.

This is true for every one of us. We all find it easier to love ourselves when we’re doing well and are “getting it right.” It’s easy for you to love yourself on a day like today, for instance, of course! You’re doing so well! But you know you won’t always do well; you won’t always “get it right.” Your true success, your ability to rise and keep going and finish the marathon will be determined by how well you love yourself even when you don’t get it right. When you’re able to do that, when you are able to make peace with your imperfection, then and only then, compassion will grow…in you…for you…for others…and THAT…is what will light up the world.

Compassion is the cure…Something I wish someone would have told me on my graduation day. Knowing that then would have saved me so much money in therapy! I look to you now, and to your generation, with such hope for your capacity to redefine success so that it has meaning and depth and true power. I look to you and your generation to see and understand that we are all the same.

So without further adieu…on this most auspicious day and always, I invite you to celebrate ALL of what you live: success, failure, and everything in between. Through each and every experience you have you will learn well.

Congratulations!

Anyone who has heard my talk knows the importance I place on taking care of myself first. This is not selfish! This is necessary work if I’m to be useful at all. Each of us has such a critical job to do on this planet as we raise, educate, and/or make our own unique and invaluable contribution to the generations to come. As a mother to my 6-year-old boy, Jules, I can’t afford to fall apart! Instead, I can choose to understand this predicament as a profound opportunity to continue to practice what I preach even when it’s hard, and to be that kind of example to Jules.

My saving grace has been all the work I’ve done up until this point to stay out of my head, so…

ONE IMPORTANT TIP: STAY OUT OF YOUR HEAD! Here are 3 ways how:

1. Do something that brings you a deeper awareness of your sensations. Anytime we are focused on our bodily sensations (i.e. how we are breathing, where we feel comfort or relief inside, what part of us feels planted on the ground or in our seat) we are free from thoughts. It is our thoughts that almost always lead us down the path of misery. Our thoughts too readily consist of judgments that lead to feelings of lack, guilt, shame, regret, or hopelessness. Our senses of smell, hearing, sight, touch, and taste are our liberation from defeatist thought. If we can enjoy the sensory moment we are in, whether sitting on the grass feeling the breeze or snuggling under soft covers with a delicious hot chocolate, we can experience the kind of relief from thought we so desperately need. It takes practice to stay focused on sensations so that we can move from one present moment to the next instead of back into regret about the past or worry about the future, but the more we practice the more automatic this becomes. Trust me, it’s the medicine we are looking for!

2. Practice replacing one negative thought or judgment with a more loving one. Turn it on its head immediately. State the opposite thought or judgment out loud, repeatedly. Be committed to replacing all the shame you have for yourself with compassion because you are human after all, imperfect, and powerless at times to do any better than what is possible at the time, just like everyone else! Those of us who have ridiculously high standards for ourselves, have them for others, keeping us burdened by bitterness and shame. Bitterness because of course others are letting us down! That’s what they do when our standards are a close approximation to perfection! And shame because we let ourselves down. We can’t keep up with our own idealized image of ourselves! Accept your humanity as the mess that it is so you can accept others. Then forgiveness and compassion are possible for you and for them so that we can all be in this together in a REAL way. And believe me, NOW is the time more than ever for us not to be isolated from one another but to truly be in it together.

3. If #2 sounds like I had you back in your head, here is how to be sure this remains a sensory process: Bring your awareness to, and focus on, how the more loving thought translates into a soothing experience in your body. It always does. You’ll sigh, breathe deeper, feel your feet on the ground, and/or suddenly notice the sun shining or the birds chirping…You’ll find your heart rate and blood pressure decrease as you commit to being conscious of the sensory moment you are in. Combined with loving thoughts and self-compassion, it is your five senses that bring the relief we look for in other not so healthy ways. And even when you’re having that chocolate cake or glass of wine, try these 3 ways to stay out of your head at the same time. Over time, with practice and commitment, you will find yourself slowing down, needing less, and freeing yourself from more than just the negative thoughts in your head, but from the whole cake or the whole bottle of wine! That feels good! And you all know if you’ve been to my talk that my favorite and most important neuroscientific fact is: “We only do well when we feel good.” So let’s get on with it then, yes?